My Internal Justice System: Autism, Relationships, and Fairness

Being autistic has shaped how I navigate relationships of all kinds—friendships, romantic partnerships, family, and professional settings. One of the ways this manifests is through what I call my internal justice system. This system balances logic and emotion, assesses intentions, and helps me determine how to respond to fairness—or the lack of it—in every interaction.

I look at what was done, then at how I feel about it, and then I try to see it from the other person’s perspective. If I can’t justify their actions as unintentional or non-malicious, I assess whether they are willing to rectify their behavior. If patterns of disregard or malice persist, I quietly remove myself from the situation. This process isn’t about holding grudges; it’s about pattern recognition, self-respect, and maintaining healthy boundaries, all while striving to weigh fairness with integrity.

Friendships and Reciprocity

One way my internal justice system comes into play is in friendships. For example, I had a friend (let’s call her Samantha) whose 21st birthday was coming up. She made a big deal about it, and I wanted to show her love and appreciation. At the time, I was struggling financially, so I regifted items that I actually valued and would have kept for myself—but I wanted to give them out of love. I also bought decorations and gifts for her and another friend whose birthday was around the same time. I put a lot of thought and effort into making her feel celebrated.

When her birthday came, I noticed something unsettling: she seemed disappointed with her gift, while the other friend was ecstatic about hers. That subtle reaction lingered in my mind, but I tried to move past it.

When my birthday rolled around, I hoped for the same level of effort in return. We spent the entire night driving around in her car, “looking” for a bar or something to do, but everything eventually started closing. My mom was in the hospital at the time, and I had hoped this would be an opportunity for my friend to reciprocate the thoughtfulness I had put into her celebration. Instead, it fell short.

Even when my mom’s friend invited us out to make up for it, the effort felt half-hearted—I had a single drink while they were preoccupied with the menu. In my internal justice system, this situation was a clear indicator: the effort and intention given to me didn’t match the effort I had given. It wasn’t about holding a grudge; it was about recognizing a pattern of disregard and lack of reciprocity that influenced how I evaluated the friendship moving forward.

Romantic Relationships and Boundaries

My internal justice system is equally active in romantic relationships, particularly when it comes to emotional safety and fairness. For instance, for my ex’s birthday, I wanted to celebrate him despite limited funds. I took him and a friend to Denny’s, thinking a small outing could make him feel special.

Shortly after we arrived, a group of men nearby gave off hostile energy toward him. They loudly commented that they could “take me” from him. I wasn’t wearing makeup or trying to look particularly attractive, so the comment surprised me—but I realized I was considered attractive enough for them to notice.

In response, I leaned into the situation in a way that felt safe and assertive: I turned to my ex, held his arm, and kissed him in front of the men. I could tell it made him feel a sense of dominance, and he and his friend smiled. From my internal justice system perspective, this was an adaptation to a socially tense situation, asserting mutual recognition and protecting our dynamic.

However, other patterns emerged that were concerning. Women would sometimes stare at me in public when I was with him, and I could sense they felt he was “too attractive” to be with me. Instead of helping me feel secure, he actively encouraged me to dress down, wear less makeup, and change my appearance. At the same time, he would stare at these women in ways that suggested reciprocated interest.

This created a pattern where I felt undermined and unsafe, emotionally and socially. My internal justice system flagged these repeated behaviors as disregard for my feelings and respect, guiding me to evaluate whether continuing the relationship was healthy.

Family Dynamics and Fairness

Family relationships can also be complicated, and my internal justice system helps me assess shared responsibility and accountability.

At the time, my ex and I were already living in an apartment, and the lease was about to end soon. We were talking about looking for a house to move into, but later found out his credit wasn’t good enough. We then settled on looking for another apartment, which would just be for him, myself, and his kids. When my brother realized he wasn’t included in our plans, he started panicking and trying to manipulate the situation, attempting to pressure his girlfriend into letting him move in. She refused, suggesting they wait.

Meanwhile, my ex and I were unequally contributing to the apartment expenses. We were essentially covering most of the household costs, while my brother and my “best friend” were spending their income on themselves and luxuries. That was incredibly frustrating for me because we were effectively taking care of everyone else’s needs, yet they weren’t contributing fairly.

When I asked them to contribute more fairly to rent as the lease was ending, my brother said, “It’s your responsibility to make sure rent gets paid.” I calmly explained that it was all of our responsibility, not just mine. They refused to acknowledge it or contribute fairly, and this refusal highlighted a pattern of disregard and self-interest. The conflict escalated from there, but my internal justice system helped me assess intentions, notice patterns, and determine when it was necessary to protect myself and maintain fairness.

Workplace Dynamics and Accountability

Even in professional settings, my internal justice system helps me evaluate fairness, responsibility, and integrity. For example, while working at an Amazon warehouse in Colorado, a group of deaf coworkers would intentionally put boxes in the wrong containers. While they would scan the correct container, if it was full, they would put the packages in nearby containers rather than pulling the large containers off the shelves themselves. This left the work for others and created a pileup of full containers, that the people coming up to fill behind them had to pull down, put to the side of the aisles, and then replace with an empty container.

This behavior caused unequal physical strain, extra labor, and also affected our performance metrics, since people like me were disproportionately having to stop and fix these issues. One day, I caught a coworker in the act. I pointed out the correct location and compared it to where she was placing the box. She pretended not to understand and continued misplacing packages. When I escalated to a supervisor, I was told it didn’t matter because all the packages would eventually be dumped. From my perspective, it did matter, because the scanning and placement still created physical labor and inefficiency for others.

Additionally, the coworkers refused to follow procedures for moving full containers to the side, leaving others—including me—to repeatedly lift heavy containers, creating unequal strain. The situation escalated when I accidentally hit a coworker in the head with a package while turning around. It was the same deaf coworker I had tried to report earlier, and she had been standing uncomfortably close to me for unknown reasons. She claimed I did it intentionally, framing it as bullying. HR sided with her initially, even though my actions were unintentional and I didn’t yet know I was autistic or disabled myself. I wasn’t fired, but I was reprimanded.

This situation highlighted several key patterns for my internal justice system:

• Lack of accountability and intentional avoidance of responsibility.

• Unequal distribution of labor and effort.

• Misrepresentation of events to shift blame.

• Disproportionate impact on performance metrics for some employees.

Even in a professional context, my system helps me assess intentions, recognize patterns, and protect myself, all while weighing fairness, logic, and emotional impact.

Conclusion: Patterns, Fairness, and Boundaries

Across friendships, romantic relationships, family, and workplace interactions, my internal justice system guides me in recognizing patterns of behavior, assessing intentions, and maintaining healthy boundaries. It balances logic and emotion, helping me weigh effort, respect, and reciprocity.

While it isn’t about holding grudges or keeping score, it helps me protect myself from repeated disregard, manipulation, or malice. It also allows me to cultivate relationships that are fair, meaningful, and supportive, while giving others opportunities to rectify their actions when possible.

Ultimately, my internal justice system is a lens through which I navigate life and relationships, shaped by my autism, my values, and my commitment to integrity, fairness, and self-respect.